Three months ago I said that the following 6 months would be the toughest of my life yet. I was right, but I don’t think I had any idea how right I was. Nor would knowing it have made me any more prepared for this.
But today’s a lot better than the previous two days. I’m starting to think I might be able to fight my way out of this (self-induced) mess triumphant after all.
In my opinion, the feeling that I have been productive and acted with discipline is one of the best feelings in the world, but it is one that eludes me. I am nearing that point where I never reach the feeling of productivity; think of it as a graph of 1/x (somebody please remind me what the name of this graph is!) – it never really reaches the axis, it never really reaches zero – it only draws parallel. Likewise productivity is always just a little out of reach, because no matter how much I do, there is always more. After I finish the proposals for the A-Levels Production, there is piano to practice. And after that is done, I have to look up the pieces I’m practicing so I can start on my program booklet for the Performance Cert exam in December. I’ve got a SASA Group 3 meeting tomorrow to finalize details on the bazaar, and I’m sure I’m in trouble because Captain Chew’s been handling most of it on her own; and I’m praying that the WHO members do their bit for the blood donation drive in October. I have to study because my Chemistry and Maths are in disaster zones, as is Literature coursework, and I haven’t even mentioned university applications yet! And of course there is a little bit of personal drama to spice things up a little.
A bit on university applications – I’m applying to the UK for law, and I’m applying to the US as well. I’m sitting for my SATs in October and Subject Tests in November. I still have to squeeze in time for the IELTS and LNAT.
The pile of work is never-ending. Trying to finish it is a Sisyphean task. It is exhausting, physically and mentally. A little more worryingly, these are feelings that I have become accustomed to as of this year.
Today, however, has been so productive that I’m suspicious – I’ve searched up and practiced my piano pieces, I’ve finished my proposals for the production, and I’ve finished my Chemistry and Maths revision. I did one practice SAT test last weekend and got a very very satisfying score of 2090, and I’m hoping that it’s not a one-off. Basically there’s nothing that’s urgently due, AND it’s only 4pm on a good day-off. Almost too good to be true.
Do you see what’s wrong with me? Everything is fine, but I keep feeling so apprehensive and suspicious. Where’s the tension and the panic that I’ve become so used to? Last night I tried to read For Whom The Bell Tolls by Ernest Hemingway (which I last attempted in January) and it’s lovely, but I couldn’t absorb it. My thoughts are along the lines of come on, hit me already: what is it that I haven’t done? I’ve turned into a lifeless workaholic.
It scares me that I’m making the same kind of complaints that working adults do and I technically haven’t even finished high school!! This could be a preview of what the rest of my life is going to be like – stuck in a boring office, carrying out tasks that seem to have no purpose, an in-tray that people keep topping up as they walk past, and an out-tray that never empties. Me, looking harassed and stressed out (much the way I do now), struggling to keep up with the workload and the rat race; and then there’s me, single at fifty, telling my nieces and nephews that my life has been following the same emotional routine since I was eighteen.
I THINK I JUST NEED BETTER TIME MANAGEMENT LOR.
And I need to get out of the house!!
Edit: Just realized what it is I’ve forgotten to do – my personal statement draft #2 wtf.
Labels: ECA, Gloom And Doom, Musings, Personal
I’m not a particularly sociable person. Most of my free days are spent at home catching up on work, reading up on debate material or being glued to the computer screen trying to come up with a good post. Good conversations don’t come naturally. I hardly watch TV, I refuse to watch The Dark Knight and I couldn’t be paid to.
Well. Maybe if I was paid…I am the kind of person around whom awkward silences occur a lot around, and I suck at talking to people I’ve just met.
This, was supposed to be the beginning part of a post I promised one of my friends. And while I no longer think that this paragraph is a good way to start the post, I found it honest enough to keep while I deleted the rest of my ramblings. But I don’t know how to continue this; for once, tonight, I’m at a loss for words even though I have so much to say about this.
Maybe I’ve just proven my point.
Labels: Musings, Personal, Quickies
…That I got 7th place in the college/uni category at Jog For Hope 2010; and that hectic as my life is, it pretty much is everything I once asked for once upon a time.
Remembering to be happy makes me feel stronger.
From plinky:
When was the last time you thanked someone?
I really can’t remember. I think it was when, during TCSHMUN 2010, I sent the delegate of North Korea a thank-you note for livening up my boring resolution with a joke amendment. Or maybe it was the time I baked a batch of cookies for Trishna and her family for doing a disproportionate amount of the ferrying to-and-from college and our various activities this year.
You see, those emails telling everyone that the hardest two words to say are “thank you” worked themselves into my head: I thank people a lot. I thank people for holding doors, librarians for processing my books, sales clerks for tending to me, cleaning ladies for allowing me to use the bathroom even though they’ve only just cleaned it. I don’t mumble it either; I say it loud, I say it proud.
And still, I feel that I don’t thank the people in my life enough.
Let me explain. I made my dad a huge thank you card for Father’s Day, thanking him for working his back out doing overtime. And yet during the holidays I went on a big shopping spree. It wasn’t a huge amount of money by my peers standards but it did blow out my wallet. Receiving the invoice for my flight tickets to London and Istanbul recently just increased my guilt till I felt like barricading myself in my room if my dad so much as looked at me. I also acted in a really irresponsible way, not bothering to coordinate my social events with everyone else in the family, and being irresponsible with his things as well as my own. I feel like sometimes I can’t blame him for treating me like a kid, because I certainly haven’t been acting like the 18-year-old I am supposed to be.
After every meal every day, I thank Aunty Eva (our maid) for preparing the meal. She’s been with us for as long as I can remember – apparently she arrived to work in our household a month before I was born, so she’s been here a good long eighteen years. She’s really cheerful and capable, but she IS getting on. I hear her coughing a lot, and I can make a rainbow out of all the pills on her breakfast plate. And yet I don’t help her with the cooking and housework as often as I should. I shove it to the back of my head with the thought, I cleaned the upstairs last week. I’ve done my part.
& It’s not like when I thank my dad and Aunty Eva, I’m not saying it sincerely. I say it with all my heart! But maybe “with all my heart” means and thank you for having to absorb all the shit I throw at you, because I’m really really sorry but I’m going to do it again.
Another person I don’t thank enough would be my cousin Dennis a.k.a my Favourite Cousin (FC) whom I undeniably bully more than I should. He’s my know-it-all and my go-to for almost everything. A lot of pre-debate tournament nights were spent on the phone or in front of the computer with him, and he’d have to fork out his work hours just to come and layan his nut of a cousin who hasn’t got two feet to stand on and a brain to think with. For those of you at TCSHMUN, you know that my resolution passed with hardly any abstentions; the truth is that Sheng Hoay and I had spent the night before in front of the computer, and he was helping with it. He never spoonfed me information (I don’t think Lundu is reading this but just in case, HELLO :D), instead asking me questions that got me to think for myself. As a result I came up with a wholesome resolution that covered all aspects of a problem that was relatively minor. The bottom line is, I didn’t do it alone, as everyone is of the mistaken opinion that I did.
A lot of times he says things that are hurt and cutting but absolutely true. (Not the time he called me an orangutan) I mean like the times he told me I wasn’t treating my younger brother well enough. It absolutely hurt to hear it, but it was the pure shameful truth – half the time I brush my brother aside like a fly on the wall.
And yet I forget to return his texts (ignore them sometimes when I’m busy), and in general forget to return all the kindness he’s bestowed on an OKU such as myself. Heh.
It’s easy to thank cleaners, librarians and acquaintances, because you know that given the means, you would be able to help them back. It’s easier when you know that repaying them isn’t a task that will ask much of you.
Conversely, it’s the most difficult to say thank you to those whom repaying means changing yourself for the better, because it means admitting that who you are now really isn’t good enough; which is why they had to step in in the first place.
But what can I say right now? Because I realized that thanking somebody goes beyond just saying thank you. Really thanking the people who deserve it most requires action and change, to show that what they did for you wasn’t for nothing. I can resolve to be a lot more responsible and hope that my dad and Aunty Eva are going to notice, and I hope it makes a difference to them. But if that resolution goes down the drain like every other promise before that, there’s really no point in talking so much here.
And so once again this is just a blog post full of hot wind and little else.
PS: Hi FC I’m not going to pick up your call this time because I’m too embarrassed. What you should do is say IT’S ABOUT TIME. There you see, even saying thank you is a Herculean task for me. Haih why am I so gutless.
Labels: Musings, Personal, Very Long Posts
People like asking me why I pulled out of the Creative Artistic Soul category for the CHS Students’ Choice Awards last year. I told everyone that it was because I felt that, as the head of the department running the Awards, I shouldn’t be contesting. But that was an excuse to save my pride. It was actually more because put next to people like Briana Leong, my creativity pales in comparison. If you are blessed enough to have received a gift from her before, chances are it was probably handmade with painstaking care and detail. If there was any one person who exuded beauty and elegance and spunk from every pore, it would be her. She is so good with both her hands, and her words!
Me and Bree on CHS’s Graduation Day 2009.
Here is a blog post of hers that I particularly enjoyed reading and I told her so. And when she asked me to do the post as well so she could read my answers I went EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE :DDD And so I have, but please click and see her original post before you read my pathetic attempt below at creating something as beautiful and poetic as what she has. What to do, I really wanted to try at least! And if I fail to come even close to what she did, I can only say: at least I was honest all the way through this entry. Just as I know she was in hers. Hi, Dan. This is for you, happy birthday yesterday. :)
ONE
If were a month, I’d be April.
Because it’s my birth month; because it’s spring, the start of all things new.
TWO
If I were a day of the week, I’d be Saturday.
Because Saturday mornings have this way of being beautiful, even when they’re clouded over and rainy.
THREE
If I were a time of day, I’d be Dawn.
Jumping out of bed eagerly to greet the day.
FOUR
If I were a planet, I would be one where I can watch the aurora borealis from wherever I am.
Every single night.
FIVE
If I were a sea animal, I’d be Coral.
Stunning but silent.
SIX
If I were a flower, I’d be daisies.
Small, clean and white with a golden heart.
SEVEN
If I were a kind of weather, I’d be the kind where it rains and shines at the same time.
Like laughing through your tears.
EIGHT
If I were a musical instrument, I’d be a piccolo.
Tiny but with the voice of a songbird.
NINE
If I were a colour, I’d be a the whole palette!
But if I really had to pick one, it would be yellow. No explanation needed. :)
TEN
If I were a fruit, I’d be a lemon.
So bemoaned by people when life gives them those, but so wonderfully tangy.
ELEVEN
If I were a sound, I’d be bells.
They wake us up, no matter what type of bell they are. They make us sit up and listen.
TWELVE
If I were a car, I’d be a Volkswagen Beetle.
Tiny but classic.
THIRTEEN
If I were a food, I’d be sorbet.
Ice cold and oh-so refreshing.
FOURTEEN
If I were a place, I’d be a big public library.
Wide open, comfortable, with lots of books and people.
FIFTEEN
If I were a scent, I’d be anything citrus.
Anti-soporific.
SIXTEEN
If I were an object, I’d be a patchwork quilt.
A gallimaufry, a queer mixture of patterns, a hodgepodge.
SEVENTEEN
If I were a facial expression, I’d be this.
Life is sheer bliss.
EIGHTEEN
If I were a song, I’d be the one that makes you want to jump and dance like nobody’s watching; the one that makes all your friends join in.
Enjoying the music.
My favourite from Form 4 up till now: Mika – Love Today.
NINETEEN
If I were a pair of shoes, I’d be ballet flats.
Comfortable yet chic.
TWENTY
& If I could be anyone in the whole wide world, I’d be me.
Because as imperfect as it is, there’s no one else’s life I feel like living. I’m a grateful girl. And I’m awesome that way.
Labels: day-to-day, Friends, Musings, Personal, Very Long Posts
I am pissed off.
You know that saying, “I’m happy even though my life isn’t perfect; I’ve just decided to look past all the imperfections”? That’s me. My life is full of flaws and it is far from perfect. I’m highly doubt there are any people who know me who would want to live my life. But so many things have happened lately: ICRC is over. Exams are over. I’m on holiday. I went shopping :D I had fun with the SASA-rians at the Fete De La Musique. I had fun with the debaters at ICRC and while I was watching movies with them. I created an awesome dessert from scratch and on my first try at making it. I didn’t get any scholarships that can potentially mess up my life lol. My temporary laptop’s been given back to my mom, which means that a proper laptop of my own is probably on the way. MY PHONE IS BACK (in case I haven’t told you yet)!!! On the whole, I feel more relaxed and happy than I have been all year long. Because I’ve chosen to not worry about my exam results, university applications and what not. Every other worry of mine has been wiped out and resolved. I have awesome friends. I have an awesome family. I feel like nothing can go wrong, and if it does, it won’t remain so for long.
The joys outweigh the tears right now by far right now. I can see it.
But I can’t feel it.
All because of one small imperfection which, try as I might, I cannot seem to be able to look past. Normally I’d deal with this kind of imperfection by distracting myself but distractions aren’t working. And this imperfection is preventing me from appreciating the extent of just how wonderful it is for me to be alive right here, right now.
In short, I am pissed off – because I continually allow myself to dwell and moan on this imperfection, because I cannot find in myself the belief that I am strong enough to ignore this imperfection; to accept that this is the situation, and I can do nothing to change it. It pisses me off because it’s such a small, shallow, superficial thing to hold my attention. And because of it, I am rendered completely incapable of being happy, although by every other right I should be.
Being a reject sucks balls.
Somebody needs to slap some sense into me.
And now for something completely different.
:D
Labels: Gloom And Doom, Musings, Personal, Random-ia
In one of the debates at ICRC, one of the speakers on the opposing team stood up and began her speech by announcing that goldfish have a memory of three seconds, and that she hoped that all present had memories like goldfishes. I don’t really remember why exactly she hoped we had a memory span of a fish; maybe so we could forget everything that their team’s previous speaker had said that had screwed their team up. But if it makes her happy, I think I really do have the memory of one of those gaping guppies: there are so many important things about life that I forget.
And I say forget, because it’s not like I don’t know these things. They just… Slip my mind at the most inopportune moments.
I have to remember that the opinion of one person doesn’t signify anything; that I shouldn’t rest on my laurels anyway; that there is no shortcut to anything worthwhile; that everything is subjective, even if people choose to believe otherwise; to screw talent, just outwork everyone else; to not edit my feelings; to be bigger than my troubles.
I have to remember that there will always be second chances; that consistency pays off; to stop wishing and start working; and that I have a piano class at 9.30am and I am still up this late, blogging as if my life depends on it wtf.
Evidently I also have to remember to prioritize.
So there.
Labels: Gloom And Doom, Personal
I need to be a lot more realistic about the person I am. There are some things you just can’t be, no matter how hard you try. A less shallow and insecure person is probably one of them.
Remember how at the beginning of this year I was agonizing about choosing between Econs and Physics?
Tomorrow I will find out if the choice I made was the right one.
On another note, anyone coming with me to this?
Labels: Gloom And Doom, Musings, Personal
What happened was I was trying to study Econs last night. And then the outhouse for my residential area crashed. I then spent a more than proportional amount of time running around lighting candles to light up my study area. Once I was completely satisfied that the desk was well-lit, I couldn’t study because it was so hot. -________-
I unintentionally woke up at 6.30am because it was so hot. It was at that point that I discovered that one phase of electricity had been restored to my house, resulting in the very queer occurrence of only half my house having electricity. Therefore in the kitchen the fridge works but the toaster doesn’t. WTF.
Fortunately the study (where the computers and modem are :D) is part of the house that has electricity, so I can come back here and finish typing that blog post that I thought I would come and finish post-Econs.
***
When it happened on Monday, I told everyone around me who cared to listen. It was as if by telling everyone I could somehow lessen the burden of the mistake. And it kinda worked :D
But in case I haven’t told you myself yet: I missed out one entire question on my C1 Math exam paper. I DID read the instructions in front before I started the paper! And I still inexplicably forgot when I got to question 10.
I dropped my phone down the toilet on the day of the Chemistry exam, and now for C1 something else goes down the drain too – 8 marks. Is it me or am I having an exceptionally poor run of luck this round of exams? It makes me wonder what will happen on Friday come the Econs exam!!!
I am sounding more pessimistic than I really feel. It isn’t THAT bad lah :D I’m just doing it for effects. Really, I like sharing everything about me: what makes me happy as well as what makes me upset.
So to make up for the thunderclouds that have been hanging over this blog for the last few days, here are genuine (though unhelpfully unoriginal) wishes of love, laughter and life from me.
“Oh, it’s delightful to have ambitions. I’m so glad I have such a lot. And there never seems to be any end to them— that’s the best of it. Just as soon as you attain to one ambition you see another one glittering higher up still. It does make life so interesting.”
- L.M. Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables
“Why is it easier to affirm “something’s wrong” than to say “everything’s great?” Isn’t it strange for us to say, “I’m lazy. I’m fat. I’m no good,” thereby creating our life experience to be one that is late, tired, and worthless. Leave it to our egos to keep us in that small game and hold us back. If you haven’t started yet, I invite you take on affirmations that brighten your day. Create a bigger life for yourself simple by saying things like, “I am tireless, perfect being. I have access to everything and I am complete.”
- Jason Mraz
And on that note,
:)
*Crap the electricity just got cut off for the whole house again. Why oh why did I spend so much time on boredpanda.com??*
Labels: day-to-day, Personal
