In my opinion, the feeling that I have been productive and acted with discipline is one of the best feelings in the world, but it is one that eludes me. I am nearing that point where I never reach the feeling of productivity; think of it as a graph of 1/x (somebody please remind me what the name of this graph is!) – it never really reaches the axis, it never really reaches zero – it only draws parallel. Likewise productivity is always just a little out of reach, because no matter how much I do, there is always more. After I finish the proposals for the A-Levels Production, there is piano to practice. And after that is done, I have to look up the pieces I’m practicing so I can start on my program booklet for the Performance Cert exam in December. I’ve got a SASA Group 3 meeting tomorrow to finalize details on the bazaar, and I’m sure I’m in trouble because Captain Chew’s been handling most of it on her own; and I’m praying that the WHO members do their bit for the blood donation drive in October. I have to study because my Chemistry and Maths are in disaster zones, as is Literature coursework, and I haven’t even mentioned university applications yet! And of course there is a little bit of personal drama to spice things up a little.
A bit on university applications – I’m applying to the UK for law, and I’m applying to the US as well. I’m sitting for my SATs in October and Subject Tests in November. I still have to squeeze in time for the IELTS and LNAT.
The pile of work is never-ending. Trying to finish it is a Sisyphean task. It is exhausting, physically and mentally. A little more worryingly, these are feelings that I have become accustomed to as of this year.
Today, however, has been so productive that I’m suspicious – I’ve searched up and practiced my piano pieces, I’ve finished my proposals for the production, and I’ve finished my Chemistry and Maths revision. I did one practice SAT test last weekend and got a very very satisfying score of 2090, and I’m hoping that it’s not a one-off. Basically there’s nothing that’s urgently due, AND it’s only 4pm on a good day-off. Almost too good to be true.
Do you see what’s wrong with me? Everything is fine, but I keep feeling so apprehensive and suspicious. Where’s the tension and the panic that I’ve become so used to? Last night I tried to read For Whom The Bell Tolls by Ernest Hemingway (which I last attempted in January) and it’s lovely, but I couldn’t absorb it. My thoughts are along the lines of come on, hit me already: what is it that I haven’t done? I’ve turned into a lifeless workaholic.
It scares me that I’m making the same kind of complaints that working adults do and I technically haven’t even finished high school!! This could be a preview of what the rest of my life is going to be like – stuck in a boring office, carrying out tasks that seem to have no purpose, an in-tray that people keep topping up as they walk past, and an out-tray that never empties. Me, looking harassed and stressed out (much the way I do now), struggling to keep up with the workload and the rat race; and then there’s me, single at fifty, telling my nieces and nephews that my life has been following the same emotional routine since I was eighteen.
I THINK I JUST NEED BETTER TIME MANAGEMENT LOR.
And I need to get out of the house!!
Edit: Just realized what it is I’ve forgotten to do – my personal statement draft #2 wtf.
Labels: ECA, Gloom And Doom, Musings, Personal
Looking back, it was a bit crazy to dive headfirst into the ICRC competition so soon after joining the world of debate and finding a team. The motions of the humanitarian law debate are some of the toughest ever around. The days leading up to the competition were spent alternating between studying for A-levels and reading up on current humanitarian issues. But as Kareem, Lily and I found out, extensive knowledge alone isn’t going to save you in the ICRC debate; it’s just a minimum requirement. The motions are complicated, making proving/disproving the other team an extremely difficult job. I’m not that surprised that we only won one round (as far as I know).
But the fun I had justifies everything. I had fun training, and I had fun at the real competition. I learnt so much about my team and how it could function better – if Kareem wants to continue debating with us, of course. [insert biiiiiiiig hopeful grin :D] The most fun I had was during the HELP 1 vs. HELP 3 round, and I’m not even sure why I had so much fun, even though my team didn’t win the round! The tension just wasn’t there; it felt like another of our many practice rounds. Everyone in the room knew each other, the adjudicator included. Debating is a social event, and it’s a lot more fun when you know everyone you’re up against.
Fun doesn’t excuse not working harder though (a treaty a day!!). You can bet the next time I’m around for a competition we’re going to win more than just a quarter or two-fifths of the rounds.
The realization that the exams have ENDED for now hasn’t quite sunk in. But I love that feeling every time I do remember that I don’t have to bring a book along to study everywhere I go. Remember that long long note that Mercedes/Amber Riley sang at the end of the song in Glee, Proud Mary?
HEY YEAH YeEeeEEAAaaAaAaaAAAH! :D
Labels: day-to-day, ECA, Friends
Because you seriously underestimate yourself. I believed in you, and I still do. There are many reasons as to why I chose you, you know. Everyone has to fail at some point in their lives. But I’d like you to remember the words of Adam Osborne:
“The most valuable thing you can make is a mistake - you can’t learn anything from being perfect.”
I really, really love thingsweforget! Reading through their posts makes me feel hopeful, optimistic and tough inside. It makes me feel like jumping up and doing things without caring if I fail or not. It’s like drinking a cup of coffee. You get a huge energy boost from drinking coffee. Only coffee always gives me huge headaches, so thingsweforget it is.
HELPMUNC is next week, and I’m the delegate of Chile.
Did you know that Chile is the world’s 5th largest exporter of wine, the largest producer of copper and hosts the most important music festival in Latin America – The Vina del Mar International Song Festival? Chile also ranks 44/182 on the Human Development Index, 25/180 on the Corruption Perceptions Index and 47/143 on the Happy Planet Index. *grins* The national animals of Chile are the condor and the huemul (a type of deer), both of which are endangered animals. Pablo Neruda, who won the 1971 Nobel Prize for Literature, was Chilean. SPM Lit students, you can find the translation of a Pablo Neruda poem in your Poems and Short Stories (6th cycle) under the theme of relationships – Tonight I Can Write The Saddest Lines.
Tonight I Can Write by Pablo Neruda
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
Write, for example, 'The night is starry
and the stars are blue and shiver in the distance.'
The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.
Through nights like this one I held her in my arms.
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.
She loved me, sometimes I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.
To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.
What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is starry and she is not with me.
This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.
My sight tries to find her as though to bring her closer.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.
The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.
I no longer love her, that's certain, but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.
Another's. She will be another's. As she was before my kisses.
Her voice, her bright body. Her infinite eyes.
I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is so short, forgetting is so long.
Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.
Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her.
Take time to read it, it’s so touching. Chile is awesome! And I bet that before Feb 27th 2010, you never even thought about Chile. HAH. :D
And now to figure out how to swear in Spanish. Anybody want to teach me? *grins*
Man is never satisfied. I am never satisfied.
A Louise-byte: I like being busy. I like feeling that I’m doing something, getting something worthwhile done. I love the sense of accomplishment when I cross something off my to-do list, even if it’s just a phone call or something to pick up from the grocery store. (Somehow this never applies to homework!) I blame it on fear: fear that I would lose my chance to gain an edge over the rest of the thousands of applicants vying for places in universities; fear of losing out, fear of being left out; fear that I’m going to lose my competitive edge. I fear idleness and not having anything to do. I dread not being able to work towards anything short-term. I live on deadlines.
And yet it’s at times like tonight when I feel like throwing my hands up in the air and doing exactly what I feel like doing: blogging, sleeping, downloading music, Facebook-ing and catching up on all my reading. But nooo, I’m stuck here writing a review for Malaysian Studies, an email for WWF and researching Chile. (Actually, I kinda have been doing a lot of what I feel like doing, which partly explains my situation tonight.)(Only PARTLY, may I add!!) What makes it even more frustrating is that my printer died on us a month ago and so I have to figure out how to get all my stuff printed by their respective deadlines.
A quick digression: my house is currently a technological void. There are 4 computers in the house and 2 of them don’t work. One is my dad’s laptop, and it is the only one that functions perfectly. He usually brings it to work though. This one, the one I am currently blogging on, has no sound system and is so riddled with viruses that pendrives visibly cringe away from the USB port! We have a TV but we do not subscribe to Astro. As said before, the printer does not work. On top of everything, none of the 5 cameras in the house work either.
I feel I am perfectly justified in swearing.
#$%^%@##!!!!! ):<
So I’m stuck here with writer’s block, struggling to come up with something more than a little creative for the Malaysian Studies scrapbook which is due this Thursday and worrying about the impending Moral Studies quiz on Wednesday, the textbook of which I have not managed to buy. (Screw you Unknown UOA Stationery Shop for losing your copy of the book!) I think about the A-Levels mocks coming up at the end of next month. I think about the pile of Maths and Literature assignments waiting for me and calmly, resolutely turn my back on them, reminding myself that I asked to be here tonight. I will try to be satisfied with my lot. This was what I wanted and asked for.
It’s going to be a long night.
Note: The note attached to the lemon in the picture says PUCKER UP.
***edit***
Just had inspiration for the Malaysian Studies project and wrote a very LOL Rotiman review. I don’t feel so bad now! (:
Labels: day-to-day, ECA, Musings, Quickies
I spent 4 days, 3 nights at the 2nd Malaysia Debate Open in Melaka, an international competition attended by 76 teams from all over the world like Botswana, India, Qatar, Macau, Singapore and Indonesia. I got to know many of those debaters/adjudicators from other countries. I got to shake hands with some of the biggest and most heard-of names in the debating scene, and was completely overwhelmed by the sheer talent and brainpower around me. I survived hanging around with not much besides 3 crazy gays guys for company for the duration of the competition! I adjudicated for the first time. I watched one epic debate and one bad debate. [It was so bad that I started drawing on my paper instead of taking notes. After that bad debate, one of the speakers came up and shook my hand and said “Thank you, I know you’re tired lah.” because he had seen me resting my head on the desk, and smiled condescendingly at me. I had to bite my lip to stop laughing because I hadn’t been tired. I had been bored!!!] I almost broke my wrist while bowling…
And the only picture I took during the whole trip was THIS:
*grins* Bromance.
HI SHAUN! And congratulations on having officially gone through NS and come out of it alive! :D
xx August 2007
Debated for the first time. Lost the 2nd round. I remember thinking about joining debate the following year but I never got round to it.
26 January 2010
Attended a debate workshop hosted by Omar Salahuddin.
A few days later
Ian calls and asks if I want to take Yu Li’s place in an upcoming debate competition. I agreed.
12 February 2010, Thursday
Printed out a debate handbook by Simon Quinn. Started reading it. Took it to Penang with me. Brought it with me on my angpow-collecting rounds. Did nothing else but read it the whole time.
16 February 2010, Tuesday
Finished the debate handbook.
17 February 2010, Wednesday
Met up with the HELP and CHS debaters. Met my team mates for the competition, Carmen Chua and Rachel Gan. I was to debate as a high schooler. Debated for the first time since Form 3 on two motions:
THW Allow Iran To Enrich its Uranium (OPP)
THW Legalize Prostitution (GOV)
18 February 2010, Thursday
My second ever debate practice at Ian’s place. Debated one round on the motion:
THW Ban Any Schemes Intended To Cure Homosexuals (OPP)
19 February 2010, Friday – National Novice Debate Competition @ UiTM, Shah Alam
Round 1: THBT Elite Schools Are A Mistake
GOV: MMU Cyberjaya 2 / OPP: CHS 1
Verdict: CHS 1
Round 2: THBT Politicians Do Not Have A Right To Privacy
GOV: CHS 1 / OPP: UTM 2
Verdict: CHS 1
Round 3: THW Ban Tobacco and Alcohol Companies From Sponsoring Sporting Teams and Events
GOV: CHS 1 / OPP: UT MARA 1
Verdict: UT MARA 1
20 February 2010, Saturday – Competition continues
Round 4: THBT Life Is Sacred But You Can End It If It’s Yours
GOV: CHS 1 / OPP: UKM
Verdict: UKM
Round 5: THW Allow Airlines To Charge Passengers Based On Their Weight
GOV: INTEK 4 / OPP: CHS 1
Verdict: INTEC 4
Round 6: THW Legalize Prostitution (!!!!)
GOV: CHS 1 / OPP: UCTI Zeus
Verdict: Silent round, but I think we won. (:
***update 24/2/2010: we did!***
Total: 3 wins out of 6.
Anyway, this is to explain where I’ve been the last few days and to tell you just how difficult it has been the last week. I started practicing on WEDNESDAY and the competition was on FRIDAY! And all things considered, especially the fact that we were debating against universities, I think we all did really really well.
Debaters, you tell me!
In the end, none of the 2 HELP and 3 CHS teams broke through to the octo-finals (only HELP 1 qualified to break, but they didn’t), but I had a lot of fun. So much fun that it almost, I repeat, almost overrides the fear of the impending screwing I’m going to get on Monday due to the fact that I have not touched my college holiday homework at all. Which I intend to go do something about… After this gets posted up!
Labels: day-to-day, ECA
I am addicted.
I am scared, nervous, and excited about tomorrow. I don’t want to fuck up. And I’m scared that I will. But I am addicted all the same.
Sometimes I feel like 5 posts on the main page is way too small for this blog and the frequency at which I blog. But I love to write. I love to tell people what’s going on in my head. Yet I don’t want to assume that people find everything I say important and useful and inspiring. So 5 posts it is.
Now to return to my nail-biting.
Do not condemn the judgment of another because it differs from your own. You may both be wrong.
- Dandamis, sage (4c BCE)
