In my opinion, the feeling that I have been productive and acted with discipline is one of the best feelings in the world, but it is one that eludes me. I am nearing that point where I never reach the feeling of productivity; think of it as a graph of 1/x (somebody please remind me what the name of this graph is!) – it never really reaches the axis, it never really reaches zero – it only draws parallel. Likewise productivity is always just a little out of reach, because no matter how much I do, there is always more. After I finish the proposals for the A-Levels Production, there is piano to practice. And after that is done, I have to look up the pieces I’m practicing so I can start on my program booklet for the Performance Cert exam in December. I’ve got a SASA Group 3 meeting tomorrow to finalize details on the bazaar, and I’m sure I’m in trouble because Captain Chew’s been handling most of it on her own; and I’m praying that the WHO members do their bit for the blood donation drive in October. I have to study because my Chemistry and Maths are in disaster zones, as is Literature coursework, and I haven’t even mentioned university applications yet! And of course there is a little bit of personal drama to spice things up a little.
A bit on university applications – I’m applying to the UK for law, and I’m applying to the US as well. I’m sitting for my SATs in October and Subject Tests in November. I still have to squeeze in time for the IELTS and LNAT.
The pile of work is never-ending. Trying to finish it is a Sisyphean task. It is exhausting, physically and mentally. A little more worryingly, these are feelings that I have become accustomed to as of this year.
Today, however, has been so productive that I’m suspicious – I’ve searched up and practiced my piano pieces, I’ve finished my proposals for the production, and I’ve finished my Chemistry and Maths revision. I did one practice SAT test last weekend and got a very very satisfying score of 2090, and I’m hoping that it’s not a one-off. Basically there’s nothing that’s urgently due, AND it’s only 4pm on a good day-off. Almost too good to be true.
Do you see what’s wrong with me? Everything is fine, but I keep feeling so apprehensive and suspicious. Where’s the tension and the panic that I’ve become so used to? Last night I tried to read For Whom The Bell Tolls by Ernest Hemingway (which I last attempted in January) and it’s lovely, but I couldn’t absorb it. My thoughts are along the lines of come on, hit me already: what is it that I haven’t done? I’ve turned into a lifeless workaholic.
It scares me that I’m making the same kind of complaints that working adults do and I technically haven’t even finished high school!! This could be a preview of what the rest of my life is going to be like – stuck in a boring office, carrying out tasks that seem to have no purpose, an in-tray that people keep topping up as they walk past, and an out-tray that never empties. Me, looking harassed and stressed out (much the way I do now), struggling to keep up with the workload and the rat race; and then there’s me, single at fifty, telling my nieces and nephews that my life has been following the same emotional routine since I was eighteen.
I THINK I JUST NEED BETTER TIME MANAGEMENT LOR.
And I need to get out of the house!!
Edit: Just realized what it is I’ve forgotten to do – my personal statement draft #2 wtf.
Labels: ECA, Gloom And Doom, Musings, Personal
I’m not a particularly sociable person. Most of my free days are spent at home catching up on work, reading up on debate material or being glued to the computer screen trying to come up with a good post. Good conversations don’t come naturally. I hardly watch TV, I refuse to watch The Dark Knight and I couldn’t be paid to.
Well. Maybe if I was paid…I am the kind of person around whom awkward silences occur a lot around, and I suck at talking to people I’ve just met.
This, was supposed to be the beginning part of a post I promised one of my friends. And while I no longer think that this paragraph is a good way to start the post, I found it honest enough to keep while I deleted the rest of my ramblings. But I don’t know how to continue this; for once, tonight, I’m at a loss for words even though I have so much to say about this.
Maybe I’ve just proven my point.
Labels: Musings, Personal, Quickies
From plinky:
When was the last time you thanked someone?
I really can’t remember. I think it was when, during TCSHMUN 2010, I sent the delegate of North Korea a thank-you note for livening up my boring resolution with a joke amendment. Or maybe it was the time I baked a batch of cookies for Trishna and her family for doing a disproportionate amount of the ferrying to-and-from college and our various activities this year.
You see, those emails telling everyone that the hardest two words to say are “thank you” worked themselves into my head: I thank people a lot. I thank people for holding doors, librarians for processing my books, sales clerks for tending to me, cleaning ladies for allowing me to use the bathroom even though they’ve only just cleaned it. I don’t mumble it either; I say it loud, I say it proud.
And still, I feel that I don’t thank the people in my life enough.
Let me explain. I made my dad a huge thank you card for Father’s Day, thanking him for working his back out doing overtime. And yet during the holidays I went on a big shopping spree. It wasn’t a huge amount of money by my peers standards but it did blow out my wallet. Receiving the invoice for my flight tickets to London and Istanbul recently just increased my guilt till I felt like barricading myself in my room if my dad so much as looked at me. I also acted in a really irresponsible way, not bothering to coordinate my social events with everyone else in the family, and being irresponsible with his things as well as my own. I feel like sometimes I can’t blame him for treating me like a kid, because I certainly haven’t been acting like the 18-year-old I am supposed to be.
After every meal every day, I thank Aunty Eva (our maid) for preparing the meal. She’s been with us for as long as I can remember – apparently she arrived to work in our household a month before I was born, so she’s been here a good long eighteen years. She’s really cheerful and capable, but she IS getting on. I hear her coughing a lot, and I can make a rainbow out of all the pills on her breakfast plate. And yet I don’t help her with the cooking and housework as often as I should. I shove it to the back of my head with the thought, I cleaned the upstairs last week. I’ve done my part.
& It’s not like when I thank my dad and Aunty Eva, I’m not saying it sincerely. I say it with all my heart! But maybe “with all my heart” means and thank you for having to absorb all the shit I throw at you, because I’m really really sorry but I’m going to do it again.
Another person I don’t thank enough would be my cousin Dennis a.k.a my Favourite Cousin (FC) whom I undeniably bully more than I should. He’s my know-it-all and my go-to for almost everything. A lot of pre-debate tournament nights were spent on the phone or in front of the computer with him, and he’d have to fork out his work hours just to come and layan his nut of a cousin who hasn’t got two feet to stand on and a brain to think with. For those of you at TCSHMUN, you know that my resolution passed with hardly any abstentions; the truth is that Sheng Hoay and I had spent the night before in front of the computer, and he was helping with it. He never spoonfed me information (I don’t think Lundu is reading this but just in case, HELLO :D), instead asking me questions that got me to think for myself. As a result I came up with a wholesome resolution that covered all aspects of a problem that was relatively minor. The bottom line is, I didn’t do it alone, as everyone is of the mistaken opinion that I did.
A lot of times he says things that are hurt and cutting but absolutely true. (Not the time he called me an orangutan) I mean like the times he told me I wasn’t treating my younger brother well enough. It absolutely hurt to hear it, but it was the pure shameful truth – half the time I brush my brother aside like a fly on the wall.
And yet I forget to return his texts (ignore them sometimes when I’m busy), and in general forget to return all the kindness he’s bestowed on an OKU such as myself. Heh.
It’s easy to thank cleaners, librarians and acquaintances, because you know that given the means, you would be able to help them back. It’s easier when you know that repaying them isn’t a task that will ask much of you.
Conversely, it’s the most difficult to say thank you to those whom repaying means changing yourself for the better, because it means admitting that who you are now really isn’t good enough; which is why they had to step in in the first place.
But what can I say right now? Because I realized that thanking somebody goes beyond just saying thank you. Really thanking the people who deserve it most requires action and change, to show that what they did for you wasn’t for nothing. I can resolve to be a lot more responsible and hope that my dad and Aunty Eva are going to notice, and I hope it makes a difference to them. But if that resolution goes down the drain like every other promise before that, there’s really no point in talking so much here.
And so once again this is just a blog post full of hot wind and little else.
PS: Hi FC I’m not going to pick up your call this time because I’m too embarrassed. What you should do is say IT’S ABOUT TIME. There you see, even saying thank you is a Herculean task for me. Haih why am I so gutless.
Labels: Musings, Personal, Very Long Posts
People like asking me why I pulled out of the Creative Artistic Soul category for the CHS Students’ Choice Awards last year. I told everyone that it was because I felt that, as the head of the department running the Awards, I shouldn’t be contesting. But that was an excuse to save my pride. It was actually more because put next to people like Briana Leong, my creativity pales in comparison. If you are blessed enough to have received a gift from her before, chances are it was probably handmade with painstaking care and detail. If there was any one person who exuded beauty and elegance and spunk from every pore, it would be her. She is so good with both her hands, and her words!
Me and Bree on CHS’s Graduation Day 2009.
Here is a blog post of hers that I particularly enjoyed reading and I told her so. And when she asked me to do the post as well so she could read my answers I went EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE :DDD And so I have, but please click and see her original post before you read my pathetic attempt below at creating something as beautiful and poetic as what she has. What to do, I really wanted to try at least! And if I fail to come even close to what she did, I can only say: at least I was honest all the way through this entry. Just as I know she was in hers. Hi, Dan. This is for you, happy birthday yesterday. :)
ONE
If were a month, I’d be April.
Because it’s my birth month; because it’s spring, the start of all things new.
TWO
If I were a day of the week, I’d be Saturday.
Because Saturday mornings have this way of being beautiful, even when they’re clouded over and rainy.
THREE
If I were a time of day, I’d be Dawn.
Jumping out of bed eagerly to greet the day.
FOUR
If I were a planet, I would be one where I can watch the aurora borealis from wherever I am.
Every single night.
FIVE
If I were a sea animal, I’d be Coral.
Stunning but silent.
SIX
If I were a flower, I’d be daisies.
Small, clean and white with a golden heart.
SEVEN
If I were a kind of weather, I’d be the kind where it rains and shines at the same time.
Like laughing through your tears.
EIGHT
If I were a musical instrument, I’d be a piccolo.
Tiny but with the voice of a songbird.
NINE
If I were a colour, I’d be a the whole palette!
But if I really had to pick one, it would be yellow. No explanation needed. :)
TEN
If I were a fruit, I’d be a lemon.
So bemoaned by people when life gives them those, but so wonderfully tangy.
ELEVEN
If I were a sound, I’d be bells.
They wake us up, no matter what type of bell they are. They make us sit up and listen.
TWELVE
If I were a car, I’d be a Volkswagen Beetle.
Tiny but classic.
THIRTEEN
If I were a food, I’d be sorbet.
Ice cold and oh-so refreshing.
FOURTEEN
If I were a place, I’d be a big public library.
Wide open, comfortable, with lots of books and people.
FIFTEEN
If I were a scent, I’d be anything citrus.
Anti-soporific.
SIXTEEN
If I were an object, I’d be a patchwork quilt.
A gallimaufry, a queer mixture of patterns, a hodgepodge.
SEVENTEEN
If I were a facial expression, I’d be this.
Life is sheer bliss.
EIGHTEEN
If I were a song, I’d be the one that makes you want to jump and dance like nobody’s watching; the one that makes all your friends join in.
Enjoying the music.
My favourite from Form 4 up till now: Mika – Love Today.
NINETEEN
If I were a pair of shoes, I’d be ballet flats.
Comfortable yet chic.
TWENTY
& If I could be anyone in the whole wide world, I’d be me.
Because as imperfect as it is, there’s no one else’s life I feel like living. I’m a grateful girl. And I’m awesome that way.
Labels: day-to-day, Friends, Musings, Personal, Very Long Posts
I am pissed off.
You know that saying, “I’m happy even though my life isn’t perfect; I’ve just decided to look past all the imperfections”? That’s me. My life is full of flaws and it is far from perfect. I’m highly doubt there are any people who know me who would want to live my life. But so many things have happened lately: ICRC is over. Exams are over. I’m on holiday. I went shopping :D I had fun with the SASA-rians at the Fete De La Musique. I had fun with the debaters at ICRC and while I was watching movies with them. I created an awesome dessert from scratch and on my first try at making it. I didn’t get any scholarships that can potentially mess up my life lol. My temporary laptop’s been given back to my mom, which means that a proper laptop of my own is probably on the way. MY PHONE IS BACK (in case I haven’t told you yet)!!! On the whole, I feel more relaxed and happy than I have been all year long. Because I’ve chosen to not worry about my exam results, university applications and what not. Every other worry of mine has been wiped out and resolved. I have awesome friends. I have an awesome family. I feel like nothing can go wrong, and if it does, it won’t remain so for long.
The joys outweigh the tears right now by far right now. I can see it.
But I can’t feel it.
All because of one small imperfection which, try as I might, I cannot seem to be able to look past. Normally I’d deal with this kind of imperfection by distracting myself but distractions aren’t working. And this imperfection is preventing me from appreciating the extent of just how wonderful it is for me to be alive right here, right now.
In short, I am pissed off – because I continually allow myself to dwell and moan on this imperfection, because I cannot find in myself the belief that I am strong enough to ignore this imperfection; to accept that this is the situation, and I can do nothing to change it. It pisses me off because it’s such a small, shallow, superficial thing to hold my attention. And because of it, I am rendered completely incapable of being happy, although by every other right I should be.
Being a reject sucks balls.
Somebody needs to slap some sense into me.
And now for something completely different.
:D
Labels: Gloom And Doom, Musings, Personal, Random-ia
This country continually lets us down, in more ways than we could ever imagine.
I was blog-hopping and I came across this incredibly disturbing personal account of a student who witnessed a horrific traffic accident involving two smaller cars and a lorry. The passengers of one of the smaller cars were able to get out of the car easily, but there was a girl trapped inside the other car, screaming for help. The car was crushed and she was badly injured. The student tried to get her out, but noticed that the car had caught fire and was just beginning to burn. He quickly drove to the a petrol station which was a mere 500 meters away. He ran to the station attendant and asked to use one of the 4 fire extinguishers available, explaining the emergency and hence the need for it. It wouldn’t have harmed the station just to borrow one of them for a while. There was someone’s life at stake after all.
Here’s the horrible part, the part I find incomprehensible, shocking, and left me feeling dismayed with the station attendant’s reaction: he refused to let the student borrow the fire extinguisher.
You really cannot blame the student for shouting at the station attendant, who was all the time sitting benignly behind the glass of the counter. According to this frustrated student, he just kept saying “cannot borrow” and refused to open the door. At one point he changed his story and said that his boss did not allow him to lend the fire extinguishers to anybody. He even got another of his partners to come and back him up. The two of them stood their ground against the student.
By this time the student was kicking and punching the glass of the kiosk; which, considering the blatant lack of empathy from the kiosk attendants, was actually quite an acceptable reaction. He even said that he would leave his IC with the station attendants, saying that if he did not return the extinguisher they could report him to the police. And still, for some incomprehensible reason, they refused. They even had the gall to say that the CCTV had caught all his actions on camera and that they would be reporting him the next day.
Giving up, the student drove back to the scene, only to find the car completely on fire. The poor girl was burnt alive inside.
The student later then reported the actions of the petrol station attendants to the police, who were angered as well and promised to take action. But of course by then it was too late to do anything about the dead girl.
There are no words to describe how I felt when I read this. I feel so, so angry with the station attendants. Why could they have not lent ONE of the FOUR fire extinguishers to the student? For what reason did they decide to cling to the fire station property like it was the Hope Diamond and not a fire extinguisher that they were charged with guarding?
Why could it not have occurred to them to see the accident for themselves if the student was telling the truth? There were two attendants after all, one could have guarded the station while the other went with the student to make sure that, against all odds, they would get their precious fire extinguisher back. Why could they not have accepted the student’s offer of his IC? That alone should have proof of his sincerity. An IC isn’t quite a fair exchange for a fire extinguisher.
The problem is that now I am angry. I can just imagine the attendants languidly denying him any access, possibly even making fun of the student’s frustration. It’s something we’re all too familiar with – the tak apa lah attitude of Malaysians that I have come to detest. How many times have we witnessed a situation where we should have spoken up, should have acted, should have taken a little more initiative to right something that went wrong, and then decided that it wasn’t such a big deal and could live with the cons? How many times have we been the ones saying aiyah never mind lah? Think about the time you were at the public library and they didn’t let you borrow a book because there was a system error and the librarian couldn’t be bothered to figure out what the problem was. Think about the time you last saw litter lying on the ground. Think about the time you queued up for something and it gets to your turn only to be told curtly that what you want isn’t available/is not allowed, and worst of all had no alternative solution offered.
Believe me, this is related to my rant: this disgusting tak apa lah attitude can and has lead us to believe that the world revolves around us, and nothing potentially harmful will ever happen to us. We begin to dislike venturing out of our comfort zone, and therefore become increasingly complacent. We develop the mentality that nothing untoward can ever happen to us. We think it won’t happen to me.We invent excuses as to why we don’t have to do things, to act on anything because there is sure to be someone else who’ll pick up after us. We blame it on computers and bosses – the big unseen people whom we will never get to speak to and therefore do not need to deal with once the complaint is gone, shoved to the back of the mind to be forgotten. Out of sight, out of mind. This is the kind of attitude and mentality we’ve developed. Only in this situation, it was taken too far.
How about, no, it DOES matter, that if something seems wrong we have to act on it, and we can’t leave it lying around and expect another person to fix up? That if you see litter lying around, you have to pick it up? That what little you do DOES make a difference, no matter how small or insignificant the action? How about, no, someone’s life does depend on your passing me one of your four fire extinguishers; and whatever consequences your boss will deal you don’t mean jack in this situation?
As usual I don’t think I make sense. I am outraged and very, very bitter with the way this life could have so easily been saved, but wasn’t just because someone was too fucking lazy to look outside the window and try to feel a hint of compassion for the person stuck in the car, just because it’s not happening to him and (in his mind) probably never will. They chose to remain cruelly and blissfully ignorant. I am so angry and full of disbelief that something as cruel as this could have happened so close to home, in a city and country which boasts of first-class infrastructure and harmony and unity among its people and many other things. And yet it can happen – it did. I have never felt so unsafe, scared for my own life and for the lives of the ones I love. I have never felt so let down. And I have never in my life wished so hard for the concept of karma to be true.
Congratulations, Malaysia. Negara ini memang boleh.
Labels: Gloom And Doom, Musings, Rants, Very Long Posts
We now have a brief respite from the next (and final!) round of exams – English Lit and C2. On top of that the pressure from the last week has lifted – the stress was unbelievable. My phoneS (!!!) were wrecked, and I couldn’t tell my parents; they’re just not the kind of people who can laugh at careless mistakes. And with relevance to that, I had screwed something up in every exam so far, no matter how hard I had worked. And then there I was, once again, worrying about things that I should not even have been worrying about in the first place.
I know I was talking about fighting pessimism; the truth is that on the blog I can cover up my foul moods really well. In reality I was so stressed out that I couldn’t even sleep well at night because I was speculating about everything that could potentially go wrong.
But some things helped ease the strain immeasurably. Things like 5-page-long pathetically ranty emails and chats on MSN that lasted well past the parents’ forgivable bedtime. And it didn’t quite matter that there were no solutions offered to any of the problems I was facing; it was strangely therapeutic to come home and type all of it out knowing that someone on the other end would be listening. Just that assurance that someone cared enough to listen was enough. By Saturday, some of my problems had somehow resolved themselves.
I didn’t thank them enough then. And I doubt I ever will be able to – how is a counseling session like that repayable? I suppose the best way would be to let you know how much you helped me: for the first time in two and a half weeks, I slept well last Wednesday night.
Lesson learnt: even the worst day is only 24 hours long. :)
I have one week to go to English Lit and C2 math! And I am PROUD to say that I haven’t procrastinated too much – except when I spent all of Sunday watching Criminal Minds and eating junk food and getting nothing done at all which resulted in another long pathetic rant to said friend. This has resulted in me going vegetarian for this week, by the way. :D
On the bright side to the exams, this means there is just one more week to go till the 3-week break – I simply cannot wait! It has been a long time since I had such a long holiday. And I’d like to say that I’ve earned it.
On the downside to the exams, this means that this is just over one week away.
These 1 2 3 are going to have to be my best friends for the next 7 days. Sigh.
And on a completely unrelated note, with reference to this:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/world/middle_east/10201165.stm
I just thought that the Turkish government should be incredibly proud.
Maybe it’s because I still live in the world of heroes and heroines from the movies; where if they put up a hard enough fight against all the odds, by some wild lucky stroke dealt by the fickle Lady Fortune (or maybe even Calypso :D) – they will win.
I just thought it was really, really brave of the people aboard the flotilla to put up such a terrific resistance to the Israelis in the name of providing aid for those suffering in the Gaza Strip. They were raided by the Israeli army, commando-style, going in with guns blazing. They knew that if the Israeli army tried to stop them in any way, none of their aid would get through to the Gazans. So they decided to fight back. And hell, did they fight back. Watch the video of them throwing one of the Israeli soldiers offboard. It’s the stuff of pirate movies!
Okay I have the feeling that I am somehow being insensitive. But I do respect those aboard the Mavi Marmara. The dead among them died heroes!
Labels: day-to-day, Friends, Musings, Random-ia
I need to be a lot more realistic about the person I am. There are some things you just can’t be, no matter how hard you try. A less shallow and insecure person is probably one of them.
Remember how at the beginning of this year I was agonizing about choosing between Econs and Physics?
Tomorrow I will find out if the choice I made was the right one.
On another note, anyone coming with me to this?
Labels: Gloom And Doom, Musings, Personal
Two days on and the memory of how I lost my phone still traumatizes me. I don’t want to think about it! But just so you know, I’m still phone-less. The funny thing is that it’s not the contact with the outside world that I’m craving; it’s the music that I could carry around with me and play whenever I’m waiting.
I have a free moment. There are so many things I want to say. I want to tell you how two separate but related events are screwing up my life so badly that it’s difficult to focus on what really matters; but I also want to keep things to myself and hope that they’ll work out fine. I want to tell you how I think I might just survive this round of A-Levels. I want to tell you how scared I am that I am only just surviving, and knowing that this is only the first term. I want to tell you how excited I am about the time after this round of exams; I have got so many things planned out. But I’m also so worried that I won’t be able to cope with the workload. I want to tell you how I think I’m biting off more than I can chew. And yet, I still feel like I am procrastinating.
I want to tell you that I like reading PostSecret. More than I like finding secrets I can relate to, I like reading each of them and imagining the writer’s story. Some secrets are dark and dirty and downright disgusting; but some are so sweet. Here’s one of my favourite PostSecrets.
It makes me wonder who wrote the note. And I wonder if the writer ever realized what a profound impact his little random scribbling had on the life of two other individuals.
And there are so, so many PostSecrets I love and want to share! But my C1 papers are calling me once again, to remind me that they shouldn’t be taken lightly just because they’re C1.
Sometimes I wonder why I am so kiasu, and what good it’s going to do me.
Here’s just one more PostSecret.
Labels: Musings
I have an announcement to make.
Today, for the first time since I began blogging in 2007, I removed all the blog counters from my blog, and I deleted my Nuffnang account. It’s not just the fact that they’re pointless – that anyone can refresh the page and make it look like there were two visits instead of one. It’s also the fact that they put pressure on me to blog. The OMG blog stats dropping better make up for it feeling.
However the truth is it’s been getting hard to write anything that feels truly sincere, something that isn’t written in the hope that somebody will see it and, more importantly, be impressed. And you know what happens when you try too hard: it usually falls flat.
I have always loved writing, and after years of doing it I think blogging is one of the forms of prose that are most difficult to create. This is why I ardently follow wordy blogs and I take time to read them, even though they lack pictures. I truly admire people who can blog well. I’m not just talking about pinkpau; there are plenty of people I know personally whose blogs I think are awesome, and I follow them on a daily basis. Seeing that they’ve updated their blogs can make my day! One day if I have the guts, I’ll tell you who they are. :) But I digress – let’s get back to the topic of blogging and what makes it so hard.
Essentially every post is a little bit about myself, flaws and all. Even a simple post about a day out can reveal important facets of myself, primarily the way I see the world. And God knows it can be so hard to be completely honest. I don’t mean that I misconstrue the facts; I’m talking about the way I express and purvey those facts. We’ve all tried putting on different personas to make ourselves seem like marginally more interesting people. I can fake my way through school essays, news articles and other pieces of the written word. But to me, blogging requires as much care as writing a personal statement. Okay, maybe not AS much! But like a personal statement, blogging requires me to talk freely about myself, to express myself in a manner that’s simultaneously interesting, coherent and reflects the person I am, because it’s about me. And I strongly believe that writing styles reflect the writer’s maturity. Putting blog counters just increases the pressure to write something well, and that of course has an inverse effect on the quality of the writing.
I don’t know if you get what I’m trying to say, but it seems wrong to hinge so much importance on something that should inherently be me, because that’s immature and therefore contradictory. In real life, I don’t think through every action twenty times before I perform it, and I don’t (always) do things for the sake of attention; and I believe the same should apply to blogging.
From now on, I’m going to write for me. I don’t give two hoots about how many hits a day I get anymore. There won’t be any more why aren’t my stats going up? ): nonsense. And if you really like/dislike something, you can tell me yourself in the chatbox! (I’m keeping the cbox because this blog template doesn’t allow comments; and I do like to be told in words that I did something well. *TAKE A HINT, READERS!*)
Okay, so you saw the word “announcement” up there and what I’ve written here is very potong steam. But this is important to me. I tentatively remind you – I don’t like to do this; who likes reminding people of their own flaws? – that there are some days when I overreact to the things people say or do around me. There are some days when I forget to not let myself be defined by things around me: appearances, acquaintances, scholarships or blog stats. There are just some days I forget to live unbuttoned.
This is just another way I’m reminding myself to remember.
This blog post was refreshingly honest. I have not felt this good about blogging in a very long time! :D
On a completely unrelated note, congratulations to Chelsea for winning the Premier League! :) I’m a Liverpool supporter but I can still concede that we’re losing out and they deserve the win. Anything but Man United.
Labels: Musings
that the last two weeks of my life will not repeat themselves.
Doing poorly at Lit was depressing. Overcoming complacency is a long and hard lesson to learn, and I’ve only just taken the first step. But of course the harder the lesson, the more worth learning it is.
That’s what I tell myself anyway!
:/
On another note, TOMORROW IS CHS SPORTS DAY!
I went back today to see the deco and marching. I saw what every single one of the houses got up to. And I swear everyone is going hardcore. Practicing marching up till 9pm, out on the padang in the dark. Every year they try to outdo each other and the previous years in terms of creativity and dedication.
Sports day was my favorite part of high school for many reasons. CHS is as conformist a school as any other is Malaysia. But Sports Day is the one time everyone makes an obvious, sincere attempt to break out of the mould. Sports Day is a huge event in CHS. They think out of the box to come up with cool marching formations and impressive deco effects. They go as far as staying overnight in school and missing out on sleep just to finish the tents! During this time the teachers only have authorizing power, but even that seems like it’s given a little more freely than at any other time of the year.
I remember there was one year the admins considered revoking the right to stay overnight in school. For the first time ever, everyone was incredibly vocal about this. There was such consternation about missing 7 hours of working time that the Scouts decided that they would boycott Sports Day if the students weren’t allowed to stay overnight in school. And everyone knows that without the Scouts (to tie up the bamboo structures and all), Sports Day cannot go on. I don’t know if they ever had to take it that far, to blackmail the admins, but I’m glad that they actually considered doing that instead of taking it lying down and opening up hate groups on Facebook. *COUGH*
I just realized how typically Chinese that situation sounds. –.- we are workaholics. But I’m proud because that was one time we were actually serious about standing up to the admins!
My question is why this only happens during Sports Day season!! But I suppose once a year is better than not at all.
If there are any Form 5s reading this, enjoy tomorrow. It’s your last Sports Day ever. Make it a good one! Special wishes to those from Rumah Kuning. (; An ex-senior sends her love.
Autobots, roll out!
Labels: High School, Musings
It irks me how much people can talk when they want to sound smart. This is what debaters do but I am not talking about debaters right now. It annoys me how people with such huge inferiority complexes can have such humungous egos. And it amazing how two-faced some of these people can be.
It also saddening that people whom I once thought were nice could turn out to be so jackass-like and dislikeable. It makes me wonder if they changed, or if this was just a part of them I didn’t see before.
If only closed minds came with closed mouths.
If only!
It has been a very, very long time since I got this pissed off with anyone. But on the bright side, I suppose it’s a sign of a blessing: it’s a reminder that I don’t meet these kind of people that often. And going deeper into that point, it shows how nice the rest of the people in my life have been to me.
So if you know me, and you haven’t trash-talked anyone (whether to their face or not), if you know to keep your mouth shut when you should have, if you have brightened up my day just by being there and if you love me – thank you. :] How do I ever thank you properly enough?
I feel better already! At least some sliver of goodness came out of this angsty episode. Thank God for my inner optimist.
And with that I wish you A VERY
HAPPY MAY! :D
Imma start the new month on the happiest note possible.Labels: day-to-day, Musings, Random-ia
Dear readers, I want to tell you something.
I blog because I love writing, and because I want to be understood. Because writing for the public eye is so different and requires so much more care and skill than writing a diary.
My name is Louise. I just turned eighteen. And I am the kind of person who’s still struggling to be comfortable in her own skin.
I am a self-professed nerd and I’m proud of it. I study because I love learning and I hate the feeling of not knowing what the lecturer is not talking about. If there’s something that needs to be done, I’ll probably be the one to do it. I love debating. I love speaking in public, but I haven’t ever done public speaking. I want to try everything once, except when it comes to fashion. I support Liverpool but I don’t follow football and I can’t be bothered to find out more than I need to, because I think that football team pride is pointless. I burnt out after piano grade 7; I’m still flogging a dead horse by pushing myself to finish my Diploma ACTL. I don’t follow celebrities and I never will. I think I’m overly serious and I don’t know how to laugh sometimes. I have big dreams, but I’m a procrastinator. I tend to think too much, and I used to say it’s better than not thinking at all, but now I’m not so sure. I’m an underachiever who’s trying to catch up, but I have an ego that needs deflating pretty often. Luckily I know it. I have lots of friends, but I find it impossible to keep a best friend.
And I’m telling you all these things because I used to be ashamed of them. Only I just realized that they’re pretty stupid things to be ashamed of. And so I’m going to TELL you about them! Because I got over being ashamed of parts of me, and so I’m celebrating me!
It’s years but until now there are still some days when I find I cringe when I think that somebody doesn’t like me. I then spend days trying to figure out whether it’s my problem or theirs, and attempting to change the way I act so that I’m better accepted. I am that insecure. And I’d like to think that you go through that too. But this is something that affects me because then I end up blogging to please instead of blogging something sincere and meaningful.
I’m an absent-minded person. At times, I forget to think in a way that allows me live unhindered and like a pair of Levis – unbuttoned. I forget that I have to shrug it off because not only can’t I do anything about it, but it’s also cause it’s the only thing that’s really going to help me get over it. I’m so different and mediocre compared to most of the people around me, but I forget that what the people around me think doesn’t matter. Differences don’t matter. I forget that I’m here at college to study and not anything else. I also forget to give grace to Him for placing me in just the right places at the right time. I forget to be grateful for the people around me. I forget to count my blessings. I forget that this is only one small insignificant grain of sand in the hourglass of my life, and that I shouldn’t worry so much because I have a whole lifetime ahead of me.
But I’m telling you this dear reader, because tonight is different.
Because – obviously - I didn’t forget. (:
And so tonight I’m not blogging to please. I’m blogging to remember.
Labels: Musings
Being angry is too tiring a pastime to to be kept up for long. Here’s something that made me very, very happy.
Joanna and Briana belanja-ed me dinner at Kissaten, Jaya 1 last Saturday night. We had a fabulous time catching up over kiwi smoothies and good food.
![DSC_0781[3]](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqQ9gflAdkdnRsW1FAeiejjLlJyhLwA4Slh4AyS6t5rg-s5L75LgaFmxlPsk7v_NsmOUOAxyY2o52A0hhlVjUQ8eewMxw2dtuG0jP1x6_EPSf06al1-xIFPM9nxNVtyhf84C21X30rY8-a/s1600-h/DSC_0781%5B3%5D%5B9%5D.jpg "DSC_0781[3]")
It’s funny if you look at our history. We always hung out together in Form 3, being in the same class. But there was always so much drama and angst between us! Hardly a week could go by without one of us pissing the other off. The tension escalated in Form 4. I drifted apart from the other two and there was this horrible period of time when Briana and I couldn’t be near each other. We weren’t on speaking terms. The friendship between us fluctuated so dramatically that once, I told Anselm that Briana and I were good once again, and he laughed and said, yeah right. I give it two days. He was being honest, but it shows how bad we were back then. And for most of the following year, Briana and Joanna were very close, leaving me out of their loop. I accepted my lot and shrugged it off, figuring I’d never be able to get on well with them anyway, and went to look for other friends.
And yet here we are, three years on – better than ever before.
We’ve changed, all three of us, some of us really drastically. I mean if you looked at Briana back in Form 3, you would hardly have imagined that this girl would someday become Vice President of the Choir Club, then run for Prom Queen and come thisclose to winning! And Joanna’s still Joanna, the good old loyal girl who walks in while everyone else walks out. Albeit a lot happier now. (:
And then there’s me. Who used to think that the world owed me a happy ending. And since I still believe in happy endings, I clearly have a long way to go. *grins*
I make it sound like I always expected that we’d end up back together as good friends. I didn’t! But I’ve told you this before – Form 5 at CHS was when most of the animosity culminated in the first few years of high school dissolved. High school life was far too short and sweet to be spent being angry – just like now. You have to make allowances for change, you have to learn to write your grievances in sand, and your happiness in marble. So when Briana called me up to ask if I wanted to celebrate, it just felt so right that all three of us should be hanging out together again.
Maybe there’s something about friends who fight with you because they want the best for you.
Nights like these remind me that the best friends are the ones who’ve seen you at your worst and still want to stick things through with you. They’re the kind of friends who make me want to swallow my philosophy that best friends don’t exist. They’re not the only ones who make me want to do that, mind you.
![DSC_0782[3]](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBbosI7Sf6c8ybqj5uieDTjAOCGYh3Gc59ar5p3_wVdZWz7jhZlCPyfGUnu7lIu4soc4ziNxfjc1e5C_vg-4723mqtvfaJN23JH1UGhkdnkvEzVlSDFjAuAk_aNAWR3-Suf-I7r9EdQQ16/s1600-h/DSC_0782%5B3%5D%5B5%5D.jpg "DSC_0782[3]")
But this was our night, and I enjoyed it. They’re special… Because they’re the one who reassure me that my one year in a B class was time well spent. *grins* There are some things you can just feel with your gut, and the knowledge that we’ll be friends for a very long time to come is one of them.
So this is for you: Jo and Dan. (: Thank you.
I don’t think my last very heated post managed to convey what I was really trying to say. Let me try again.
The point is that you (the members and creators of the hate group) had a chance to right a wrong – something that was wrong in your opinion anyway. You had an obvious problem with the Sportsman, and I’m going to assume it was your right to be at odds with him, and not over something silly like the primary school fights we used to have. You know, like… “I don’t friend him because he damn show-off.” And no, I don’t take mere arrogance as an excuse to warrant a hate group. What you could have done is stand up and ask the school authorities, “Oh what basis was he awarded the title?” (instead of assuming and flaming) and then you could have respectfully pointed out that it is a silly basis to grant the Sportsman award. You could have revolutionized the school system and ensured that more deserving students are awarded the title in the future. You could have dealt with it in a mature, reasonable manner that would have set an example to the rest of the school and made anyone affiliated with you proud.
Instead you created a hate group that is a waste of time, energy, emotions and neurons. You got nothing done. The Sportsman was awarded his title and you did nothing about it, even though it was something you could easiliy have spoken up about. I bet you didn’t even try.
The world is already lacking the type of people who can’t walk the talk. We could do with a few hundred less.
Most sickening of all is that you got the kids from the lower forms to join your hate group as well – kids who probably don’t know half a thing about the Sportsman and had only your own emotional, irrational word for disliking him. It is very likely that they’re just blindly following what the seniors say. Do you realize that in the future this is probably how they are going to be dealing with people they don’t like as well? And you don’t care that you’re turning people against him, you don’t care that you’re causing him to be judged. All you want is to see him disgraced.
How dare you say then, that you are proud of being a CHS-ian?
I’m so tired, and I’m probably typing all of this for nothing. It’s probably not even going to be read by those to whom it matters! But what to do, I’m just someone who really is proud of being a CHS-ian. I don’t like to see that phrase being simply thrown around. Because if you’re not acting in a manner that can make CHS proud of you, I don’t think you have a right to say that you are proud of CHS. Hate groups like this are just so juvenile.
I have become very disillusioned.
Labels: High School, Musings, Quickies
[all names in the following post have been removed to protect identities where necessary]
I just came back from the Majlis Anugerah Kecemerlangan at CHS this morning. I’m sick, and I’m missing out on Kai Boon and Edrea’s birthday movie outing to rest. But I made the mistake of logging on to Facebook, and I saw something that has made me incredibly pissed off and disillusioned with the high school that I am so proud of. It is making me so disappointed and vexed that I am here, blogging, instead of resting and recuperating from a rough week at college.
This is what happened: I received an invitation to a hate group, and it was directed at a certain CHS-ian (currently Form 5) who has just been made Sportsman of the year. I do not know the Sportsman personally, although I may have bumped into him/her off the track a few times. I do not know most of the members of this hate group either. I imagine that I received the invitation simply because I am still filed under “SMJK Katholik” in my list of networks. The title of the group was completely capitalized, and it exuded pure hostility. I clicked to check out the group, and was shocked at what I read. To say that the members of this group are unhappy that he was awarded Sportsman of 2010 is an egregious understatement.
The group description accuses the Sportsman of 2010 of bootlicking to achieve his award, among other claims that he is completely under-qualified for the title. I have copy-pasted the entire group description here.
i dno wtf he got to make him as olahragawan. NO ONE KNOWS. what i know is taekwondo WTF is his sport that he's so good in. is taekwondo a sport that require a large amount of strength to kick or punch an opponent to the ground? how come i dont see him having a big and strong quadriceps, hamstring, biceps, deltoids and many other part that are so crucial to this sport. last but not least, after knowing that he was announced as olahragawan, he'll go round showing his "handsome" yet lanc face to everyone, as if he is the best sportsman ever produced in this school, to let the whole school know he is the OLAHRAGAWAN OF CHS 2010. even our dearest olahragawati YX who are so fabulous in squash didnt do that. Won’t you feel embarrassed by doing so? Everyone will, except for him. He is such a pain in the ass as he disgusts the title and glory of CHS Olahragawan with his qualifications and capabilities. Isn’t this honor supposed to be given to an epitome of sportsman? He “got” this “title” by bugging teacher every day (personally, I think teachers were fed up with him so just let him be, as other candidates aren’t DESPERATE like him ), unlike people like YX who is destined to be olahragawati with obvious olahragawati-like achievements. To be succinct, he is detestation, abomination, ABHORRENCE!
The grammar of this torrent is appalling, although I do applaud the writer for getting the word “abhorrence” spelt correctly. But it makes me really sad to see that this immature way of dealing with a disagreeable situation is a product of a CHS-ian.
Firstly, what do you intend to achieve by creating a hate group on a social networking site? You get together a bunch of people who all dislike him as much as you do and bitch about him online. Then what? Rally together and get the principal to reverse this decision? In my opinion that could have been done without the hate group at all. Furthermore I think that Facebook groups are rather unnecessary unless they’re for fun. There are plenty of groups that are created for a supposed cause – 100000 People Against ISA, 1000000 Members Against Whaling. Privately, though, I wonder how many of them got anything done upon reaching the desired number of members. My point is that this Facebook group is redundant if you want his Sportsman title revoked. If you really think that the decision is unfair and that there is some other more deserving boy out there, take it to the school administration – in a calm, collected manner, preferably in the form of a letter.
On the point that he is under-qualified, I find the group’s definition of what makes a sportsman rather shallow. Members of this group, allow me to quote you:
is taekwondo a sport that require a large amount of strength to kick or punch an opponent to the ground? how come i dont see him having a big and strong quadriceps, hamstring, biceps, deltoids and many other part that are so crucial to this sport.
Perhaps you’d like to know that the Sportsman of 2009 (whom you can look up in the 2009 yearbook of CHS) did not have “big and strong quadriceps, hamstring, biceps, deltoids”. He was actually quite short and quite skinny. And most of his achievements were not in a sport that would require one to have any of those characteristics which you seem to associate with being a sportsman. If you think that taekwondo is not a sport that sounds worthy of a Sportsman, then the what the Sportsman of 2009 excelled in will sound ridiculous to you: his sport was ping-pong.
And to answer your question, you are apparently ignorant of the fact that taekwondo is a sport that not only requires strength to “kick or punch” but also a whole lot of skill. I never learned taekwondo, but if you watch anyone perform taekwondo or related martial arts, you’ll know that it takes practice to not only drive an opponent to the ground, but also to do it in a manner that doesn’t hurt yourself! They’re not called martial arts for nothing! I find it amusing that you think that taekwondo is just about “kicking and punching”. That’s not taekwondo at all. That’s cat fighting.
The fact is that the Sportspeople are awarded their titles based on the extent of their achievements in the area of sport that they excel in. This means they don’t look at how impressive or physically exerting the sport you chose is. You could have chosen something as obscure as bob-sledding, but if you have worked hard at it and are a star in the arena of bob-sledding, you are qualified for the award. I asked my friend and apparently the Sportsman of 2010 was awarded the title because he had some achievements not only at national level but also at international level taekwondo competitions. Apparently our school thinks that it’s okay for them to have fewer achievements on a a national level (I also heard the Sportsman has no gold medals from national/state level competitions), as long as they have taken part in an international event, they’re qualified for the sports title. If you think that this reasoning is skewed, then this is the point on which you should take it to the school’s admin, not what you said: lack of muscles. Him not having bulging deltoids simply means that he does not fit the stereotype of a sportsperson that you – we – have all formed. Muscles do not a man maketh, and neither do aggressive words and excessive venom.
I’m not kidding by the way. If you sincerely believe that the Sportsman of 2010 is under-qualified for the title, then I whole-heartedly encourage you to take the matter up with the school authorities. It’s too late now that the Majlis Anugerah Kemerlangan is over and he has already been awarded the title. This is what you should have done in the first place, not waste your time creating stupid Facebook groups that do nuts but generate more friction, heat and noise than necessary and do absolutely nothing to solve your grievances. I still encourage you to complain to the administration, albeit calmly and rationally, not obnoxiously as you have done so far. Even if they don’t listen, they’ll know that you tried to right something that you saw as wrong, and that’s far better than remaining silent and not speaking up at all.
But I suspect that the true heart of the matter lies in these phrases here.
last but not least, after knowing that he was announced as olahragawan, he'll go round showing his "handsome" yet lanc face to everyone…
He “got” this “title” by bugging teacher every day (personally, I think teachers were fed up with him so just let him be, as other candidates aren’t DESPERATE like him )
First of all (and I resist the urge to correct and flame the atrocious grammatical mistakes you have made), I am INSULTED that you think that CHS’s teachers can be swayed by the nagging of a mere student. Clearly you have yet to make any kind of trouble with the disciplinary board or any of those on the school administration team. Otherwise you would have seen that people like Miss Margaret hardly bend an inch to your wheedling to get your events approved. What makes you think that they’d give in to someone who’s pleading to be given the title of Sportsman? CHS teachers have quality in terms of discipline and dedication. Our disciplinary system is not legendary only in name!
Also, no matter how huge anyone’s ego is, or how desperate they are, I can’t believe that anyone would stoop so low as to beg to be made Sportsman in the place of someone more worthy of the title. That’s a complete contradiction to your accusation of him having an oversized head.
But I suspect that the problem with the Sportsman is more personal than the creator of the group lets on. Boy you guys should see the comments on the group wall – they get more and more spiteful and venomous.
(SPORTSMAN 2010) CAN EAT OUR SHIT AND LICK OUR SHOES!
LOL maybe he'll change schools after reading this
They’ve even doodled on his pictures using Paint and uploaded them to the group. It’s childish enough to make you wince.
I have little to say about this matter, because I know neither side personally. But I’d like to ask the creator of the group to at least keep your emotions out of this matter. Rationality is a virtue. Not everything that comes out of the Pendidikan Moral textbook is crap, you know. Besides, I think that the Sportsman’s achievements speak for themselves.
(It is rather interesting to note that the admin of this hate group left soon after creating it, leaving the group with no admins at all. The onslaught of spiteful comments still continues though.)
I can see that you’re proud being a student of CHS – you want your Sportsman to be a good representation of school. But the way in which you are dealing with the matter of the poorly-qualified Sportsman isn’t a shining beacon of moral goodness either. In short I am disgusted, I am dismayed, that students who call themselves proud to be part of Catholic High School should simultaneously degrade and defame a fellow student in a manner that is harsh, childish, hasty and uncalled for.
I expected much better.
There was no denying that the Sportswoman was a deserving recipient of her title, though. She stood out by a mile. Well what can I say, girls always tend to outperform boys in high school. (:
If there’s anything I don’t get, it’s the Pelajar Cemerlang of 2009 – I mean, why Zean Shiung of all people?!!! Was there seriously nobody else?! (I actually made myself laugh by exclaiming, “Why did Zean Shiung get Pelajar Cemerlang? I don’t get it!” and then I realized that it sounded like I was asserting that I should have gotten Pelajar Cemerlang.) The school’s reasoning is terribly skewed. But then again I’m saying this because I know Zean Shiung well and it seems pretty much ridiculous that someone like him should get the Pelajar Cemerlang award. But no, I’m not being serious. It’s not big enough a deal for me to go to the school and complain because his list of achievements was exhaustive. QUITE impressive lahh. And I’m not just saying this because he has to take me home after debate practice! He IS a good friend… when he isn’t trying to be a jerk. [Hi Zhaun! :D]
But just imagine what the school admins would say if they found out that their male Pelajar Cemerlang 2009 gets turned on by hot guys at the gym.
*GRINS*
Labels: Friends, High School, Musings, Very Long Posts
I now completely agree with Hock Eu’s view of Pride and Prejudice: it’s just old fashioned chick lit. And you know what I think of chick lit. It’s shallow, repetitive and unimaginative. How well the book is received depends on how well you excite the reader’s hormones – therefore the more PDA the better! Why do you think a crappy novel like Twilight sold so well? Face it, guys. The simple answer is that everyone got turned on by the mushy scenes. Bella and Edward get so unbearable that after a while I felt like throwing the book across the room and screaming, “GET A ROOM!”
The worst part is that I used to be the kind of person who gets glued to a book and can’t put it down once I’ve picked it up, no matter how awful the story and style of writing is, simply because of curiosity - I want to know how it ends. I had the utter misfortune of picking up Twilight during the finals of my Form 4 year. I am I can just about rightly say that Twilight ruined my life. I wasn’t a cat, but curiosity killed me anyway.
I have digressed a little, but it was necessary. I was talking about Pride and Prejudice, and my point is: YES, I am comparing Pride and Prejudice to Twilight. It is almost as crappy! And I have the right to say this because for the last few months I have had P&P forced down my throat by my English Lit lecturer. I can quote from the bleeding novel.
P&P is a story revolving around love and marriage. The story centers on Elizabeth and Jane Bennet and how they find happiness despite being hampered by the pride and prejudice of others and themselves.
Now I can thoroughly appreciate the elaborate and pretty language of the Regency English. But that is the sole point that the novel has over Twilight, and it is not a very strong one. Because pretty language doesn’t do much for you if you have a storyline that is unimaginative and predictable.
Fine, I’ll concede that almost any novel would beat Twilight’s crappy storyline, which feels as if Meyer made it up as she went along. But seriously, there are novels with better twists and turns than those in Pride and Prejudice, and stories with far more interesting settings. One such novel would be Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov. A stepfather in love with his prepubescent daughter. Now that’s something different. How can a novel about finding the perfect man compare?
Basically P&P is a good novel with an okay storyline. It was probably a bestseller in its time. But I criticize those who call Jane Austen “one of the literary giants of the English Language” and her novel P&P “one of her best works”. It certainly does not deserve its place as one of the best-selling works in our time.
I can study P&P, don’t get me wrong. I am completely fine with having to study it for my A-Levels. But I will scream if I hear any of you say one more time that “P&P is soooo awesome!!!” or gush over how romantic Darcy is. He is so not. And I am heartily bored of Elizabeth. She and Darcy are too Mary-Sue for my liking. I’ve told my Lit class this before, but my favourite characters in the novel are Mr. Collins and Mrs. Bennet. They’re different, they’re stupid and they’re utterly comical. They’re the breath of fresh air in an otherwise cookie-cutter cast of characters. I’ll support them to the end of Unit 1!
Fellow Lit students, you heard me.
But on my earlier point on what determines how well a book does, it makes me wonder if there really are any good books out there. I am wary of books that have a “hype” attached to them, because they tend to disappoint. The point is that a book that pleases the masses cannot be all that satisfactory to the enquiring mind. Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini disappointed, and I have yet to read A Thousand Splendid Suns but I have the feeling that it won’t be anything to rave about either. It is disappointing how many books there are out on the market that have made their way to the bestseller’s list by playing on emotions, and really have little or no depth to them; the prime example of this would be Twilight.
This is why I stopped reading all fiction except for Diana Wynne Jones, whose children’s stories are so lighthearted and so different and original that I can’t help but laugh, quixotic as they are. I take solace in books that are more factual or contemplative, books that show me that the author was sincere in penning his/her thoughts on a certain view. Most works of fiction fail to fit into this category. Let me give you an example using the book I’m reading right now: The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins. I think Dawkins does a really poor job of explaining away the many reasons for God’s existence; to use Peter Heng’s analogy, using science to counter religion is like using a thermometer to measure current – it’s an incompatible method of reasoning. For much of the book, Dawkins sounds more like a furious, indignant, arrogant child ranting on and on about all the reasons he’s right, and not at all like a calm, reasonable philosopher. Despite this, I can still enjoy reading The God Delusion because the man was sincere: he truly does have an issue with religion and he believes everyone should know what he does too.
And while I’m still on this tangent, would all of you atheists please stop touting The God Delusion as a reason for the rest of the world to drop our crucifixes and bibles. Explain away God in a manner that sounds reasonable and intelligent, and in a way that shows that you have taken our side of beliefs into account, but don’t give me any arguments from Dawkins. If Dawkins is all you have, then it’s not much of an argument at all.
And now, back to the point, on books:
I don’t think I have one! I just wanted to rant about how overrated some books are and how terribly difficult it is to find good ones on the market nowadays, because any idiot can write. And I got started on the topic of books because I have RM55 worth of MPH book vouchers. They’re a combination of the vouchers I got as a reward for my service to the Ed Board and Christmas presents from my neighbor. The point is, they expire TOMORROW. And I have NO IDEA WHAT TO BUY! T.T
Suggestions, dear readers?
Labels: Musings, Very Long Posts
When I was 3 years old, I used to think that I’d never grow up. Either it’d never happen and I’d remain in my play world forever, or I’d just wake up one morning and I’d be 18.
Funny to think that that’s what’s going to happen tonight. I’m going to go to sleep. And when I wake up, I’ll be eighteen years old.
Good night, world. (:
We The Kings – She Takes Me High
I hate it when I feel like blogging, but I absolutely lack the inspiration. This is ridiculous. In the beginning of the year I found myself so overflowing with thoughts that I couldn’t blog about anything random, and all my posts were long long ones.
Now it’s been ages since I did a long long post, and the last few posts on my blog are all categorized under Random-ia.
And I have to say, I miss being read! ):
***
Here’s another thought I had. Some time ago, Lily gave me the chance to peek into the HELP Residency. I needed to change into formal clothes after college for the HELPMUN Conference. Honestly? It was pokey and boring and the tap wouldn’t work. I spent a good minute wrestling with it but it refused to turn. I got annoyed. Then I remembered that Lily had said in one of her blog posts (I think) that it turned the other way. I was thinking, “Hah! It pays to read your friend’s blogs!” So I flipped it the other way…
… And the tap promptly exploded water, showering me and my formal outfit. I was so shocked that I just stood and stared at my wet clothes.
I could sue that tap for assault and splattery!!!
But honestly?
I liked the Residency.
I can work with people, but most times I think I like working on my own. People are fun, but I’m most efficient when fly solo, because that’s when I know everything that’s going on. It’s not so hard to coordinate myself.
Which is why I really think that I’d get more work done if I was independent and forced to think for myself. Here and in this house, I hardly have to do anything. I feel like a pampered little pasha. I only have to clear my room up once a week, and I do the dishes after meals. But the bulk of the housework – the cooking, the gardening, the laundry – is seen to by the maid.
Basically, I don’t have to think. And that’s probably why I’m so inefficient at home: I just don’t think.
Living away from home would actually make me a lot more aware of what needs to be done and thereby force myself to get off my butt and get those things crossed off the TO DO list. Studies have shown that kids who help with the housework do better at school. There’s a sense of responsibility that comes with being on your own two feet. The thought is forced into your head: I’m on my own now. If I lived away from home, I would actually be a whole lot more disciplined than I am now. I mean I’d have to handle all my own laundry and manage my money properly, among other things. It’s not that I don’t know how to! I conquered the mean washing machine monster when I was in Form 2! But I don’t have to think about it on a daily basis. Hence the idleness of mind.
Ironic, isn’t it? That I’d get more done if I was on my own than otherwise?
But it’s way too late to start applying to KTJ and my parents would give me that funny look if I announced that I wanted to move out of the house on my eighteenth birthday (“dear, your girl’s acting up again!”).
Then again, I suppose this is a hard clear message to myself to STOP BEING SO LAZY AND HELP WITH THE HOUSEWORK MORE!!
Grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
And now I have to go and get ready for church. It’s the Easter Vigil and it’s going to end at 3am in the morning! Holy Week is going to knock my sleeping cycles bang outta whack.
Labels: Musings, Very Long Posts
Man is never satisfied. I am never satisfied.
A Louise-byte: I like being busy. I like feeling that I’m doing something, getting something worthwhile done. I love the sense of accomplishment when I cross something off my to-do list, even if it’s just a phone call or something to pick up from the grocery store. (Somehow this never applies to homework!) I blame it on fear: fear that I would lose my chance to gain an edge over the rest of the thousands of applicants vying for places in universities; fear of losing out, fear of being left out; fear that I’m going to lose my competitive edge. I fear idleness and not having anything to do. I dread not being able to work towards anything short-term. I live on deadlines.
And yet it’s at times like tonight when I feel like throwing my hands up in the air and doing exactly what I feel like doing: blogging, sleeping, downloading music, Facebook-ing and catching up on all my reading. But nooo, I’m stuck here writing a review for Malaysian Studies, an email for WWF and researching Chile. (Actually, I kinda have been doing a lot of what I feel like doing, which partly explains my situation tonight.)(Only PARTLY, may I add!!) What makes it even more frustrating is that my printer died on us a month ago and so I have to figure out how to get all my stuff printed by their respective deadlines.
A quick digression: my house is currently a technological void. There are 4 computers in the house and 2 of them don’t work. One is my dad’s laptop, and it is the only one that functions perfectly. He usually brings it to work though. This one, the one I am currently blogging on, has no sound system and is so riddled with viruses that pendrives visibly cringe away from the USB port! We have a TV but we do not subscribe to Astro. As said before, the printer does not work. On top of everything, none of the 5 cameras in the house work either.
I feel I am perfectly justified in swearing.
#$%^%@##!!!!! ):<
So I’m stuck here with writer’s block, struggling to come up with something more than a little creative for the Malaysian Studies scrapbook which is due this Thursday and worrying about the impending Moral Studies quiz on Wednesday, the textbook of which I have not managed to buy. (Screw you Unknown UOA Stationery Shop for losing your copy of the book!) I think about the A-Levels mocks coming up at the end of next month. I think about the pile of Maths and Literature assignments waiting for me and calmly, resolutely turn my back on them, reminding myself that I asked to be here tonight. I will try to be satisfied with my lot. This was what I wanted and asked for.
It’s going to be a long night.
Note: The note attached to the lemon in the picture says PUCKER UP.
***edit***
Just had inspiration for the Malaysian Studies project and wrote a very LOL Rotiman review. I don’t feel so bad now! (:
Labels: day-to-day, ECA, Musings, Quickies
