Warning: rambling confusing emo-ness on ahead. :)
When all you wanted was to be wanted
Wish you could go back and tell yourself what you know now.-Taylor Swift, Fifteen.
In the library, my post is Daily Leader. It means I have to come for duty once a week, just like all the librarians have to, but I’m the one who delegates all the tasks then. I’m the one that stays back to close the library at 5.30pm. I have been a librarian for 5 years. Tomorrow is my last day of duty.
It’ll be my last day as librarian.
5 years ago when I came to CHS, I joined the board of librarians because I:
1. needed a uniform body
2. had been a librarian back in primary school.
I spent the next two precious years of my high school life being blindly dedicated to a club that I didn’t like and people I didn’t really love. All because back then I was too narrow-minded to see any other way out. I couldn’t get along with them, couldn’t get their attention, couldn’t understand their methods of administration. Even though back then, I was probably one of the most hardworking (and quiet) members.
I didn’t even acknowledge to myself how much I hated the board. I, the eternal optimist, actually hoped that one day they’d notice me and that everything would get better.
It didn’t.
You know something? The real reason I remained so dedicated to them was because I had a gigantornimous crush on one of the guys in my batch, back in Form1/Form2. I don’t have a problem admitting that now. Thinking back, he’s not even someone worth my mentioning. And no I’m not going to tell you who. All you need to know is he was a jerk.
I stopped being so dedicated to the board in Form 3. I mean, the library teacher is a jerk-o. Not all the members were the jerk-o type, but I find it hard to get along with them on a daily basis. I just cannot click with them the way I do with the Ed Board members. (Chinese ed, English ed. Go figure.)
By the time I woke up and realized this, it was the middle of Form 3 already and too late to join any other uniform body. I was stuck where I was. That’s why I decided to apply for the post of Daily Leader at the end of Form 4, because I wanted a post that wouldn’t force me to commit myself to the LPS. I got what I wanted, and I only had to turn up for duty once a week.
That one day can still drive me nuts though.
But thankfully the Form 3s on duty on my day are wonderfully bouncy, lively people who laugh a lot. They’re hardly serious, but whatever. It lifts the whole atmosphere and makes me laugh too. They make that ONE day bearable. But they still do drive me crazy with their naiveté (oh cool! the é looks so pro :D). Doubtless I could get along with them better if I tried, but I just (can’t? Won’t?). My heart’s not in the library anymore. It hasn’t been for a long time.
And it’s really hard to remain dedicated to a society where you can’t understand the methods of administration, where people don’t listen, and hardly anything ever gets done. I’m not saying anything about this board, but for previous years I doubt the senior’s judgment when it comes to making decisions. I didn’t like the way they’d start something and never finish it. The members are not exactly responsible, and as a result, problems crop up. When problems crop up, the seniors deal with it by adding more rules and regulations and procedures, until something as simple as applying for a card can become a tedious long process that takes months to finish. And of course, the more complicated the process, the more mistakes the members make.
When will you all learn that you have to deal with the ROOT of the problem, i.e. the members/probays?
It’s not a perfect board lah. But they’re not even trying. And for those who do try, there’s always the library teacher in the way. A big, solid, immovable obstacle in the path.
I salute the rest of the remaining librarians, and I wish you well. Especially when you’re dealing with HER.
Three years on since “leaving” the LPS, I’m proud to say I’ve grown. (Not literally, much) I’m a very different girl from the one I was back then. Most of you would agree. I’m happier with who I am right now, compared to the miserable girl I was back then. I’m not a misery guts anymore! I’m still eternally optimistic, only maybe a little more SENSIBLE, and I’m a happy vibrant cheerful powerful powderful confident intensely kakorrhaphiophobic girl. I love myself. Who wouldn’t?
As for the jerk, he’s still a jerk.
(:
PS: A big THANK YOU to the KPS Shu Yi for constantly putting up with me and never ratting on me even though I never ever wore my tie in class. You won’t ever have to bug me about it again, and I won’t ever have to bug you about retiring again. YAY! I love you lah.
